Princeton Detective Mark Benard said, "It appears all of the attention directed to Zombies attacks last week, have stirred up the local Vampire community. They want attention too. This thing reads like a manifesto, but it's the worst peice of prose I've ever read. And I mean, I read Al Gore's book.
"One section claimed the sucess of the Twilight movies proves Vampires are more relevant than Zombies. It also claimed Zombies are on the move now out of jealousy. Jealous that Vampires have received a lot of attention lately. They say they are taking back the media attention that is rightfully theirs."
Is this really a case of Moster-envy? It's quite possible. Running the numbers, Wikipedia lists 570 Zombie movies to 680 Vampire movies. Even more convincing are the Box Office numbers. The top Zombie movie (Zombieland) pulled in $75,590,286 while one Twilight movie (Eclipse) brought in multiple times that, $300,531,751. So far, the series has a total of $1,071,212,372 - with a new movie "Breaking Dawn 2" coming out in November. It seems the human bats really suck the fame away from the brain (and face) eaters.
An unidentified Princeton man said, "I was just coming out of Taco Bell eating a Doritos Locos Taco. They aren't bad but I'd rather just have a regular taco and eat a bag of Doritos with it. Anyway, I was eating the Taco and I heard screaming. I looked up and heard someone shout, 'I am a Vampire and I'm here to suck your blood.' Some guy ran past me at super human speed. He kinda looked like Edward Cullen from those sparkly Vampire movies. I tried to run after him trying to get his autograph, but he got away. I'm not a big Twilight fan, but my girlfriend loves the movies. If I could have gotten Cullen's autograph she would have forgiven me for sneaking out and getting drunk last night."
An autopsy is scheduled to be performed on the victim to determine the exact cause of death. Panic has gripped Princeton causing the area Wal-Mart to run out of garlic. Store manager Russ Primrose said, "We had a stampede this morning of customers charging into our produce department and the jewlrey counter sold out of anything looking like a cross. This is getting crazy! Last week, we got overran by people wanting catcher's masks to protect from Zombies -- this week it's Vampires. I guess our sports department better order silver bullets for the werewolves next week."
An unnamed source in the Princeton Police Department reports there have been rumors of a possible Zombie - Vampire rumble. The Diggerer will keep you informed as details develop.
