Bath Salts have been blamed for several attacks including an incident in Miami when a man was shot and killed after eating another man's face. Saturday's incidents were the first reported in West Virginia causing panic and paranoia in the area.
Cindy Ritter, an Ashton US Mail Carrier, was delivering a parcel Friday, when she was attacked by what she described as a zombie. Ritter said, "I was in the holler delivering a package when I heard a rustling in the ditch behind me. I turned around and suddenly this zombie came flying out of the brush and attacked me, trying to eat my face. Luckily, he didn't have any teeth so all he could do was gum me. He had the worst case of zombie breath I've ever smelled -- and mind you I've dated some real losers. I'm telling you, one dude had 2-month old gingivitis he tried to cover up with a mix of Jack Daniels, Skittles, and Skoal. He told me he was a Vampire, but whatever... anyway, even HIS breath wasn't near as bad as this thing's.
"It kept trying to gnaw on my face but without teeth he couldn't break the skin. Finally, I guess he choked on my perfume and makeup and ran off into the woods. I'm not hurt, actually it kind of tickled. The bad thing is that it looks like hickies and I had a hard time convincing my boyfriend I was attacked by a zombie because I had big sucker marks all over my face. I'm telling you, it was a zombie!"
Todd Rucker, of Ashton, was attacked by a zombie in the trailer park of his Ashton home. Rucker said, "This big ol' boy came charging down the trailer park right at me. He was looking all crazy. He was screaming 'brains, brains, I need me some brains.' I yelled at him, 'you dummy! This is a trailer park! There ain't no brains here!' I thought that was funny but he didn't laugh; he just jumped at me. Thankfully, he had a mullet so I just grabbed him by the back of his head and popped that zombie head of his against the ground. Then, I gave him some Judy Chops, Ninja Chops, and Karate Chops that I learned from the internet by watching The Boone County Ninja [LINK]. That ol' zombie decided he wasn't much interested in brains after all and took off out of there. He'll be eating brain soup for a while because I smashed a bunch of his teeth out."
The West Virginia State Police have been organizing 'zombie hunts' scouring the woods by Ashton where there were more reports of 'zombies'.
Mike Lowery, of The Dea, said, "We busted a 'street chemist' making a batch of bath salts so we have reason to believe that is where the zombies are coming from. They look like zombies because they have a crazed look in their eyes and foaming at the mouth. True, that does describe most of Ashton's residents but these people are moving very fast and that's not something you see out of the locales here. Most of these people move very slow. We are trying to get a list of the people he sold to to make our search easier but he apparently took some of his own batch and is pretty crazed. He just walks around the jail cell asking for multiple of glasses of water. He sets the glasses on a table and says they are for Hitler, his werewolf, and his cousin Coonie. Obviously, they aren't there -- HE is barely there -- so we are having a hard time gathering info.
"All we can do at this point is to have troops ready to roll and warning everyone to be careful. We also reccommend that everyone wear catcher's mask to protect themselves."
The Ashton Dollar General reported that they have a special delivery of catcher masks on the way and several local residents were seen ambling about Ashton Friday evening in catcher's masks.