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Thursday, 30 August 2012 22:06

Earl Ray Offers Amnesty to Illegal Elk

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CHARLESTON- Hunters and Anglers starting cleaning their weapons this week in anticipation when Governor Earl Ray Tomblin announced plans to reintroduce Elk to West Virginia.  That is, until they realized he wasn't bringing them in for hunting.

Earl Ray made the surprise announcement at the Sportsmen PAC dinner, Saturday. "Other states' Elk are crossing our borders illegally, but we must follow the Obama Administration's leadership on immigration and grant them amnesty."

"This is the dumbest thing I've ever heard," said hunter, Luke Anlode.  "Elk think they can come here and eat our gardens and take food away from our deer population -- but that ain't right!  What makes them so special?  We can shoot deer, but not Elk?"

Amy Ann Shute, an avid female hunter, is concerned for another reason. "How in the world am I going to tell the difference between an Elk and a Buck when it comes running out of the bush toward my tree-stand?  I'll tell you, if I see a big 'ol furry animal with antlers, rutting and grunting in front of me... it's shootin' time!"

Elk disappeared from West Virginia some 137 years ago.  Possibly because they caused deforestation, they were over-hunted by early settlers.  Dave Arnold, Sportsmen PAC Treasurer wasn't discouraged by Tomblin's remarks. "A healthy elk herd could boost tourism from wildlife watchers. Non-hunters enjoy the large animals' majesty and their distinct mating calls.  Once the population gets big enough - it'll take years - there will be enough for hunting."

DOT Director, Pebble Bitumen, is concerned about what may happen in the meantime.

"I understand Elk used to be native to West Virginia but things have changed a lot in 137 years.  The automobile didn't even really exist, then. 1875 was the year Chrysler was born, but he wasn't born making cars - it took a while.  I'm just saying, we have to think about the impact of a growing population of Elk when Deer are already damaging thousands of West Virginia automobiles.  In 2010, there was a 1 in 42 chance of hitting a deer with your car.  If hunters aren't allowed to thin the population we'll have to drop the speed limit down to 35 mph."

Tomblin finished his remarks by donning a PeTA shirt with the phrase, "Hunters Killed Bambi's Momma".


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Edward G. Acres

Edward G. Acres is a technology writer, best known for his weekly column in the Technology Section of the Ad Bulletin and the many occassions he would call The Kim Komando Show with a question on fixing his computer.

Born in Charlton Heights, West Virginia, Edward grew up in Fayette County and graduated from WVU Tech in Montgomery with a diploma in computing.

When not writing articles for TheDiggerer.com, Mr. Acres enjoys searching for bargains from Tiger Direct and NewEgg while waiting for his TRS 80 computer to boot up.

Website: thediggerer.com

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