The FCC, working in conjunction with the Department of Homeland Security have installed a monitoring solution code-named, "Gotcha!" designed to keep Americans safe. The downside has been a temporary drop in data transfer rates as the system checks and rechecks each email, website, YouTube video, animated gif, and lolcat for subversive messages and terrorist threats.
Homeland Security Director, Ima Wachinu says, "The software is state of the art. We can read every email, midstream. We scan all spam and check chain letters. If someone sends you a joke that doesn't seem funny... chances are we've filtered out the punch line. Sorry! But you can rest assured, we're doing the job you never asked us to do."
She laughed at the idea the government could spy on you through old tube monitors. "That was an rumor we started years ago just to keep people on edge. It worked, too! Sadly, Americans became more sophisticated and stopped believing it. In the meantime, people have done us a favor by installing webcams. And today, most netbooks and laptops have built-in cameras that we can easily activate. We don't have to lie, anymore! We really CAN spy on you in your home! By the way, some of you need to sit up straight. Slouching like that will ruin your back."
The system was put together in two-parts, hardware and software. The servers that run the system are located in a secluded West Virginia tech center. They were installed along side other Government contracts so as not to raise suspicions. The software was contracted out to the lowest bidder, as required by law. In this case, the developer was a Russian software firm in Kazakhstan, named "Backdoor Solutions".
"They really impressed us with their understanding of our needs. It was as if they already had solutions in place to tap into America's network traffic and filter for keywords. During their first demonstration for us, they showed they could even filter on passwords and credit card information. It was amazing, but we didn't need anything like that. Yet."
Last August, Phase One was put into place. It involved forcing full-screen ads on web pages and mandatory video ads on YouTube videos before the desired content would load. Government psychologists suggested it was the best way to get citizens used to waiting on content. Once they felt the public was properly conditioned, the monitoring system was brought on-line. Wachinu says Internet speeds should normalize in time, as hardware systems are upgraded and software tweaked.
"We're hoping to duplicate the success of our TSA Program," said Wachinu. "Hardly anyone complains about airport screenings, anymore!"
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