The Diggerer

BECKLEY: When news broke that the mysterious and elusive Bigfoot had been captured in Beckley, WV, many West Virginians were not surprised. Rumors and legends have circulated for decades that Bigfoot was alive and well in the mountains of West Virginia. But what surprised many was where and how Bigfoot was captured. The beast was not found roaming in the woods of Mercer County, but instead was found passed out in the beer cave of King Qwik convenience store in Beckley.

Margaret Woods, 58, was in for a major surprise when she opened the doors of the store she manages yesterday morning. "I literally peed my pants. At first I thought it was a homeless person, but that smell was worse than even a homeless person. And I thought to myself: now Margaret, that person is awful hairy even if he was homeless and could not afford a haircut, surely someone would give him the money to get a haircut before his hair got that long; unless of course, they were afraid that he would spend all the money on beer. And you know that could well be possible, because that feller did drink about four cases of Budweiser. Most homeless people prefer the cheap stuff like Milawaukee's Best, so when I saw that it was Budweiser that was drank...well, I figured right there that if it was a homeless person than it was an awful high class homeless person to pick Budweiser. But then again, since he knew he didn't have to pay for it, then maybe a homeless person would pick Budweiser."

When she determined the intruder was Bigfoot, Woods then called a lawyer, an agent, The National Enquierer, and then 911. Bigfoot was removed from the store without incident after the animal control fed him 6 boxes of Pop Tarts that contained tranquilizers. Randy Wilson of The Mercer County Animal Control said, "I think Bigfoot had him a lil' smoke to go with his beer because he sure had the munchies. I betcha he had been living up in the mountains for years. There's some good pot patches up in those hills. No wonder it took him so long to come down here."

Scientists from all over the world are flying in to examine the beast. But Margaret Woods contends, "Finders keepers. I found him, he's mine. He's not going to any zoo or museum, not for now anyway. Right now, he is going on Ebay. I need me some Canasta money."